You can have it all, but not on the same day
My quest for balance, quieting mom guilt, and growing my business
Enjoy this updated piece from the archives. Thanks for reading!
It was Sunday evening, and I took a deep breath as I reviewed the week ahead on my four Google calendars, which were all somewhat harmoniously synced on my 6-inch screen. Relief washed over me when I realized I actually had some space on the calendar this week. While it wasn't enough time to go to yoga, take a nap, or enjoy a long bath with my Spotify “calm vibes” playlist, I did have enough room to eat lunch every day and tackle some of the work needed to run my two businesses. Maybe I could even squeeze in a few five-minute breaks on the exercise ball that I promised myself I'd use daily, even though I hadn’t done it more than twice in the last eight weeks. The past few weeks had been packed, and while I knew I should be grateful for the busyness, I was so tired that I couldn’t remember the last time I felt anything other than exhausted. For the first time in weeks, I actually slept well that Sunday night.
Monday started off perfectly. I had planned to put the final touches on a professional development workshop I was presenting the following evening. Just before diving into my work, I checked my email and found a coupon code for one of my favorite clothing stores. That reminded me that my niece’s bat mitzvah was coming up in six weeks, and I needed new clothes for a few different events. I couldn’t help but lament how nothing seemed to fit.
But then I reminded myself that this was the year to embrace my body, despite the challenges: I’m in my mid-40s, navigating an autoimmune disorder, dealing with pre-menopause, and supporting my child through a year of chronic health issues. It’s been a journey, but I really did need new clothes. So, I decided to let go of all the worries and the to-do list. I allowed my ADHD brain to wander and explore the virtual aisles of clothing. I even set a timer to ensure I didn’t lose track of time and completely forget my work!
I hadn’t been giving myself the freedom to do this lately—unless it was late at night when I was supposed to be asleep. But I needed this time and space; I had been pushing myself so hard. Just six weeks ago, I spent eight days in the hospital with my 14-year-old, who was struggling with treatment-resistant migraines. During that time, I managed to do a little work, consolidating my therapy clients into one day each week while my husband covered for me. Then he got injured skiing and couldn’t walk while I was still in the hospital with our child—yeah, that’s a story for another blog!
After all that, I had to let so much else go. It set me up for weeks of playing catch-up, using my ability to hyper-focus to push through until I could finally close my computer for the night, my head still swirling with a never-ending to-do list.
When the timer went off, I closed the tab and braced myself to get to work. For the first time in ages, I felt that hyper-focus kick in—along with the familiar rush of motivation that comes from knowing I didn't leave myself much time (yes, I realize this is just another side of procrastination). But despite my efforts, I couldn't wrap my head around the presentation. It took much longer than I ever anticipated. I kept getting hung up on the graphics, the color palette for the slide deck, and trying to remember how I had cited sources on the last slide. It felt like my ADHD brain had lost its superpowers; instead, the troublemaker side was making an appearance. I found myself fixating on trivial details and wasting time on inefficiencies.
I worked right up until the moment I had to pick up Caden, who started at a private school with no bus service earlier this year. After that, we went to a doctor’s appointment, I dropped Caden off at dance class, came home, and went back to work. It was frustrating because I was moving at a slow pace, which is unusual for my typically quick, creative brain. I pushed through until I could barely keep my eyes open.
I went to sleep with a slide deck that looked great, but I wasn’t entirely sure if any of the slides had usable content. Knowing that the presentation still needed tweaking on Tuesday left me feeling behind on another project due Wednesday. Instead of looking forward to a balanced week filled with 5-minute stretch breaks, I found myself facing inevitable late nights and early mornings, trying to fit it all in.
Alright, I’ll stop rambling and get to the point—I finished the presentation! Honestly, it could either be one of the best workshops I've ever created and delivered or a complete flop. I guess I’ll find out when the evaluations come in! This is where my RSD (that’s rejective sensitive dysphoria—if you’re not familiar with it, definitely look it up; it’s super common among people with ADHD) kicks in. My anxious mind and imposter syndrome flare up when I feel off professionally, especially in situations where I usually feel confident!
When my husband asked how the presentation went, I threw my hands up and shared my inner chaos with him. "It’s either the best workshop I’ve ever done or an epic fail!"He looked at me knowingly and laughed, finally learning after almost 19 years of marriage not to try to talk me out of a mood I need to be in.
I turned to him and said, "This isn't working. I'm trying to fit an 8-hour workday into just 9:00 AM to 3:20 PM. I need to pick up Caden for dance drop-off, take Ruby for her allergy shots, and bring Caden to her doctor appointments three times a week. Plus, there are the girls' orthodontist visits and picking them up from after-school clubs… the list just goes on and on. Should I consider getting help after school for these activities? Maybe I should be looking for more hours to manage two successful businesses. Or perhaps I need to cut back on work. It's possible I should set more realistic revenue goals.”
I ask myself these questions at least once a week, but here is the truth: I really don’t want someone else driving my kids around. I have two teenagers, ages 14 and 16, and every moment they’re willing to chat with me—beyond just asking for money or rides—is precious. I find myself constantly worrying, feeling frustrated, and let’s be honest, a bit annoyed by them. I really don’t want to miss out on those rare, pleasant moments I sometimes get after school or on the way to dance practice. It’s during those times that I actually enjoy being with them (remember my book, “I Love My Kids But I Don’t Always Like Them!”? You can Google it!).
And then there's my 10-year-old, my little baby. He still adores me and hasn’t yet retreated to his room like the others have. His sweet little face still lights up when he walks through the door to see me every afternoon. But I know better—I've been through this twice already. I can see him slowly transitioning into tweendom, and I know that one day I’ll blink and he’ll be just like his older siblings, merely tolerating me.
The other undeniable truth is that I don’t want to work less— not even for a minute. I love my work. It is important, challenging, and creative. It changes lives, including my own. It’s incredibly satisfying, and it helps me cover my bills, which I enjoy paying on time. I have no desire to change my goals, do less, offer less, or reduce my efforts in any way.
This all spilled out of my mouth in a rush of questions I didn't expect anyone to answer. “Is it possible to care for the kids the way I want to and be fully committed to my job?” My husband looked at me with his engineer's logical, mathematical perspective and said, “I think it’s about taking turns. Some days, you drive the kids around and focus less on work, and other days, someone else can drive them so you can get more work done.”
And there you have it, folks, the closest that I’ve gotten to anyone explaining to me how women can have it all, and it came from a MAN!! (Do me a favor, and if you see him, don’t tell him I think he was right.)
You too can have it all, just not on the same day.
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